And I Bet You Drive A White Van, Too

So...


I did a little experiment at the gym last Tuesday. (This is what I do with my free time now. After all, I am at the gym about 15 hours a week now and I have no life. I am hungry. I am bitchy. This is my entertainment.)

Let me set the scene for you.


Pretty crowded. About 6pm. Usual crowd. Just got in a damn fine back workout and was feeling pretty cocky. Starting to look like a figure competitor but I do not yet "dress" like one. Ya know...sports bra and panties disguised as shorts? Nope. Not me. I wear Nike jogging pants and t-shirts. I have worked in health clubs waaaaaaaay too long to put my crotch that close to something Mr. Sweaty Old Gorilla Man was sitting on 15 minutes before while he coughed and hacked and scratched his Sweaty Old Gorilla Man parts.

No, thank you.

So, after my workout, I hop on an elliptical for about 30-40 minutes of cardio. I plug in my headphones and prepare to zone out when I notice, out of the corner of my vision, a man in his mid-forties with those knee-high socks with the top three stripes (two red, one blue), come swagger over slyly to get on the elliptical behind me.

Hmmm.


Where is my damn whistle?

Alright. Maybe I am being paranoid. Since this is a gym that has the cardio deck divided into two full sections, I make a pretense of filling my shaker bottle and going to the opposite side to the treadmills to finish my workout and to watch Fox News to fulfill my duties as an upstanding American. He follows me.

I guess creepy gym dudes also watch Fox News.

Figures, with Bill O'Reilly and all.

Now, I have some fun with him.

On to the Stair Climbers! Yeah, buddy. Hope you enjoy this shit.

Now, the Stair Climbers have no equipment behind them so this was the real test of the ardor of my suitor. Would my creepy knight slay the dragon that was that dreadful piece of equipment just to be near me for another 14 minutes of sweaty staring? The answer is no.

He climbed up next to me for about 3 minutes of labored breathing and wheezing and I thought he got the best of me. In a moment of sheer horror, one thought flitted across my mind:

"I AM GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE THIS SCUZZY JACKASS CPR!"

...and then the slimeball managed to hit the STOP button and grabbed his towel as he slithered off the machine in a pile of socks and 1980's gym shorts.

I think he learned a lesson. Next time, he might follow around someone a little less feisty or hopefully, his "following" days are over for a little while.

Ten bucks says he went and got in his white van.

"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."