Shit Figure Competitors Say

Okay...there has been some WILD stuff that's come out of my mouth in the last year. I blame the lack of carbohydrates to the brain and running on little sleep. I've also noticed that my fellow athlete/competitor girlfriends have also had me laughing my ass off on the leg press so I decided to compile a list (which will grow!) of the uncommon utterances we've shared.

1. "I'm eating peanut butter off a spoon in the closet. Leave me alone."


2. "This tastes awful. Want a bite?"


3. "I'm doing cardio at 4am tomorrow because I guess my life just doesn't suck quite enough yet."


4. "I parked your car in the driveway, Mom. It smells like tuna. Sorry."


5. "It creeps me out when some dude LIKES ten of my Facebook photos. Especially at 3am."


6. "You smell that? Yeah. I know. That is the smell of a champion. Ewww. Never mind. I have GOT to wash these damn running shoes."

7. "He wanted to have sex but I was a good girl and went home. Actually, I'm not a good girl but I had just finished running 4 miles. I needed a shower."


8. "I just brushed my teeth with aloe vera gel. Might be time to up my carbs."


9. "Lady, me without a rice cake is like most women without bras."


10. "Thanks for getting 99% of the Tupperware dirty and leaving it in the sink. You are an asshole."


11. "No pecs = no sex."


12. "I would do dirty things for a brownie right now. I'm talking shit that's illegal in Thailand."


13. "My ass is stuck to my bikini. Again."

14. "I have been using the same fork for eight days. Is that gross?"


15. "If this asshole doesn't move to the right lane, I'm gonna pass him and fling tilapia on his windshield."


16. "We left a spray tan outline on the bed with two hand prints on either side. I think his mom knew what happened."


17. "I had energy for one thing and one thing only so I had to choose. I picked the rice cake and almond butter. You can have sex anytime."


18. "If they are out of the large egg white cartons again, I'm gonna unload on some one's ass."


19. "I think this has been in the car for over six hours. I can microwave the Salmonella off with an extra minute."


20. "I want it to look like two little alien spaceships landed right on top of my arms."


21. "I just had the biggest poop ever. Yay oatmeal."


22. "He was into Crossfit and I was into making fun of it. It would've never worked."


23. "Do these earrings make my delts look big?"

24. "He made me flank steak and foam rolled me. Now I'm doodling what my name looks like with his last name."


25. "Sorry, babe. We can't do that position tonight. I did dead lifts today."

26. "...love = Waffle House. I am serious. Let's eat shitty food by the airport. If you don't like that, let's go to a bar and shock all the thirsty, trolling men who expect only fat girls. It'll be like "To Catch a Predator" only with different goals."

27. "Now my bucket list just says: sex in a hot air balloon. Thanks."

28. "I'm watching Dateline while on the elliptical. Yes, it is Friday. I think my vagina just yawned."


29. "Why is there asparagus on my shoe?"



30.  "I'm dehydrated, smell bad, my skin is sticky from the tan and I am wearing nothing but flip-flops so will you please just go down to the lobby and get me some ice? I'll scare children like this."


31. "I'm really sick of getting POKED on Facebook by dudes not wearing shirts."


32. "Ah, bodybuilding. Thank you for the ability for me to provide close to nude pictures under the guise of professionalism."


33. "It is not even 10am and I'm already chewing out the elderly at the gym."