Monday, July 11, 2011

Everything You Need to Know in Life Plus How to Cook Asparagus.

Hello, readers. Once again, my apologies. Duty in the workplace and in the gym has called time and time again. It is a shame that I cannot perfect the art of blogging while jump-squatting.


Believe me. I have tried.


Since my life currently revolves around competing, I have compiled a list of things one should know if they are competing or find themselves in the destructive path of a figure competitor.


Everything You Need To Know...


1. Rice cakes are your friends. Little, crispy, delicious friends. People standing in between you and your friends MUST be immediately taken out back and horse-whipped.


2. You can NEVER have too many Tupperware containers. Boyfriends receive huge brownie points for keeping these washed at all times. My boyfriend is currently -722 on his brownie points.
3. I recommend having a DVR. Fast-forwarding thru commercials will become mandatory. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups commercials come on at 7:14pm on the Bravo channel and at 9:26pm on NBC. You have been warned.


4. Have someone hide all-natural peanut butter from you.




5. Be able to bribe the aforementioned person in #4 into telling you where the hidden peanut butter is located.




6. Get used to screaming. Get used to calling objects by the wrong names. Get used to talking to yourself. Get used to forgetfulness. Get used to...crap. I forgot the next one...shit!!! Oh, yes. Get used to cursing.




7. I hope you like cooking. No? You don't? Really? Okay...here is my solution to that:



    I HOPE YOU LEARN TO LIKE COOKING!!!



8. The two C's of the morning are COFFEE and CARDIO. They go together like peanut butter and jelly used to go together. You cannot have one without the other. To do so might lead to treadmills thrown through large glass windows. Again, you have been warned.


9. Flipping a tire dispels anger almost as well as flipping someone the finger. It also burns more calories.


and what you have all been waiting for...

10. HOW TO COOK ASPARAGUS

Does it really matter? It is on the diet. It will always be on the diet. So steam it. Boil it. Pan sear it. A little pepper. A squirt of lemon. JUST EAT IT. Because I said so.

...or I will just eat it and kick your butt on stage, kay?





"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."
~ Helen Keller

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5 comments:

  1. KeriJuly 11, 2011 at 2:19 PM

    Roasting asparagus in the oven with pepper and lemon juice squeezed on top is really good. Buy the super skinny ones...roast them until they are crispy...almost like french fries. Still makes your pee smell though.

    ReplyDelete
  2. KellyJuly 11, 2011 at 3:09 PM

    Yes, what Keri said, and if you're allowed fresh garlic, add a little when you roast the asparagus. You will actually enjoy it!

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousJuly 21, 2011 at 5:17 PM

    Careful with having coffee before cardio. elevating your heart rate through caffeine instead of exercise is likely to get you into catabolic states quicker... catabolic = destroying muscle you worked so hard for.

    I know it sucks, but I also know you can do it!

    ReplyDelete
  4. BrandiJuly 21, 2011 at 5:24 PM

    Listening to what my trainer/nutrition guy tells me to do. ;)

    I also drink 16 oz. of water with Xtend before my fasted so I will cut out the coffee when the boss tells me to, but thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  5. William HurstJuly 21, 2011 at 10:54 PM

    Caffeine prevents a decrease in intramuscular potassium which helps keep water inside cells and also prevents gluconeogenesis which is the body's process of starting the breakdown of muscle protein for fuel. Anywhere between 100-200mg of caffeine is optimal prior to fasted state cardio so scientifically, her one cup upon waking is right on target.
    Great job baby. Keep it up.

    ReplyDelete

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