Shit Figure Competitors Say

Okay...there has been some WILD stuff that's come out of my mouth in the last year. I blame the lack of carbohydrates to the brain and running on little sleep. I've also noticed that my fellow athlete/competitor girlfriends have also had me laughing my ass off on the leg press so I decided to compile a list (which will grow!) of the uncommon utterances we've shared.

1. "I'm eating peanut butter off a spoon in the closet. Leave me alone."


2. "This tastes awful. Want a bite?"


3. "I'm doing cardio at 4am tomorrow because I guess my life just doesn't suck quite enough yet."


4. "I parked your car in the driveway, Mom. It smells like tuna. Sorry."


5. "It creeps me out when some dude LIKES ten of my Facebook photos. Especially at 3am."


6. "You smell that? Yeah. I know. That is the smell of a champion. Ewww. Never mind. I have GOT to wash these damn running shoes."

7. "He wanted to have sex but I was a good girl and went home. Actually, I'm not a good girl but I had just finished running 4 miles. I needed a shower."


8. "I just brushed my teeth with aloe vera gel. Might be time to up my carbs."


9. "Lady, me without a rice cake is like most women without bras."


10. "Thanks for getting 99% of the Tupperware dirty and leaving it in the sink. You are an asshole."


11. "No pecs = no sex."


12. "I would do dirty things for a brownie right now. I'm talking shit that's illegal in Thailand."


13. "My ass is stuck to my bikini. Again."

14. "I have been using the same fork for eight days. Is that gross?"


15. "If this asshole doesn't move to the right lane, I'm gonna pass him and fling tilapia on his windshield."


16. "We left a spray tan outline on the bed with two hand prints on either side. I think his mom knew what happened."


17. "I had energy for one thing and one thing only so I had to choose. I picked the rice cake and almond butter. You can have sex anytime."


18. "If they are out of the large egg white cartons again, I'm gonna unload on some one's ass."


19. "I think this has been in the car for over six hours. I can microwave the Salmonella off with an extra minute."


20. "I want it to look like two little alien spaceships landed right on top of my arms."


21. "I just had the biggest poop ever. Yay oatmeal."


22. "He was into Crossfit and I was into making fun of it. It would've never worked."


23. "Do these earrings make my delts look big?"

24. "He made me flank steak and foam rolled me. Now I'm doodling what my name looks like with his last name."


25. "Sorry, babe. We can't do that position tonight. I did dead lifts today."

26. "...love = Waffle House. I am serious. Let's eat shitty food by the airport. If you don't like that, let's go to a bar and shock all the thirsty, trolling men who expect only fat girls. It'll be like "To Catch a Predator" only with different goals."

27. "Now my bucket list just says: sex in a hot air balloon. Thanks."

28. "I'm watching Dateline while on the elliptical. Yes, it is Friday. I think my vagina just yawned."


29. "Why is there asparagus on my shoe?"



30.  "I'm dehydrated, smell bad, my skin is sticky from the tan and I am wearing nothing but flip-flops so will you please just go down to the lobby and get me some ice? I'll scare children like this."


31. "I'm really sick of getting POKED on Facebook by dudes not wearing shirts."


32. "Ah, bodybuilding. Thank you for the ability for me to provide close to nude pictures under the guise of professionalism."


33. "It is not even 10am and I'm already chewing out the elderly at the gym."

How to Deal With Boys and Body Fat

Wow. It has been forever. I guess that is what happens when you leave a somewhat office job and start training and teaching boot camps again. Fit happens.

To catch you up to speed:

Back dieting. Back prepping. Back bitching.

Short and simple, no?

I felt I had to grab the laptop and punch out this blog due to the questions I get asked on an almost regular basis. When you train nearly 100 girls with over 300 past female clients ranging in ages from 18-35, and workout with female athletes/friends in the gym twice a day, two topics seem to come up repeatedly.


BOYS and BODY FAT.


How to get one and lose the other. In that order. The amusing part is, I think I only have accurate knowledge of one of the above topics yet for some odd reason, clients and good friends alike think I am the sage of seduction.


(Hold on...be right back...hysterically laughing)



Okay! All better. Anyways, that still does not diminish the value of what I see as "positive advice", no matter what age these young ladies might be and my bizarre approach to the opposite sex. So here goes. Both topics.

1. Almonds are a GREAT way to curb appetite. They have a high amount of natural fiber which slows down the digestive process, and the protein found in many nuts has the same appetite-suppression elements of lean meats or protein shakes. Now, I'm talking 6-10 almonds. The nuts. Not half the vat of the delicious creamy stuff you can eat right outta the jar with a spoon. Have I done this? I plead the 5th. Next.

2. Boys can be a GREAT way to curb appetite. When waiting for the elusive phone call/text/messenger pigeon that never comes, it can be quite the distraction for hunger. Use this to your lean-body advantage and stick to that healthy lifestyle! If the phone ain't ringing, you might as well cook your egg whites.

3. Cardio on an empty stomach in the morning is a fantastic way to burn fat. I also suggest HIIT to keep that metabolism high throughout the day. It sucks...but it also sucks that fat off your ass. Yep. I said it.


4. Men are simple. VERY SIMPLE. For every hour you spend agonizing over thoughts of "where is this going?" and "what is he thinking?", he spends thinking of food and just spacing out. Yes, girls. Men are capable of this. They can blank out. We, however, cannot. It isn't that he doesn't like you or doesn't want to hang out with you if you're not in his thoughts every 22 seconds, it is just that 90.9% of his brain mass is caulk to fill his head.

5. Hitting cardio/gym is much like the dating scene: a wingman is best and wonderful for motivation. It is also a proven fact that gossiping while doing lat pull-downs burns more calories. (That is what we tell ourselves.)

6. Okay. I gotta do it. Back to the cell phone issue. Listen closely ladies, this is great advice. Tried and true. This little jewel comes from countless hours and red wine interventions due to friends of mine distressing over a phone call or text that has not come in a timely manner. (For the fellas out there: that is girl-speak for "please blow up my phone") This is where it gets sticky. Inevitably, the next statement follows:


Well, I'll just text/call him.

Oops. Wrong. Back it up. Throw that baby in reverse, please. Don't jump off that ledge, girlfriend! There is a solution to that, though it might be painful the first time. Here's how it works: In this day and age, we have no clue what people's phone numbers are. We just scroll to the name on our contact list and bam! Constant-psycho-girl connection can be made. However, if you "delete, delete, delete", you never have his number around to be tempted to make that call/text. Make him come to you. Make him text you. Make him call you. He knows how to use a phone, I swear! If not, why are you sweating his moronic ass anyways? Trust me.

I'll let that all soak in before I follow up with some more tips of the trade. Again, consider your source. I am single.

I do not yet have any cats crowding my lap but that is only because I am covered in rice cake crumbs and they keep me pretty cozy as is.

"Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet and men."